It's getting into my nerves!

I never thought that I would reach this point that I wont no longer have much interest to attend my classes. Boredom rules my mind and my totality as an Individual. I am at my last year and last 2 months of Bachelors Degree but It seemed to me that this 2 months left is equivalent and the summary of the four years I have and needed to go through to finish college. I don't even know what's wrong with me and what's making it hard for me to attend my classes. I am aware that I have problems (personal and not so personal) but I am managing it that it wont affect my studies. The problems I am facing at this moment isn't the reason why? It is basically me. . .my attitude!

I hate myself for being irresponsible. I am not using my mind productively, I know that I could have been better and I could have competed along with the others but I really failed myself - my own expectations. Laziness, hinders my growth and it always has been my personal struggle to fight against it but I hardly can defeat my own weakness. Of all the weaknesses that a Man could have - why laziness? I don't know if it is morally correct to hate myself but I wont consider its morality because my career and future is at stake. No matter how hard it would be - I will go through this and at the end I will finish this maze with HONOR, and PRIDE!

I can be a better person and a better MAN. . .I wont let this detriment my high hopes, plans and ambitions! This wont be the reason for me not to go for higher education. This will serve as my own challenge! I'll make my mom proud of me!!!

*note alay ko para kay inay*

Laughter is to joy, Family is to courage, friends is to companionship, and, I is to perfection. . .In a snap all is gone!

Nineteen years ago, all was vastly composed of smiles and laughter! Nothing to think of, nothing to worry about, all that I needed was on how to enjoy the innocence life gave me. The only dilemma was on how to absorb the overwhelming love and concern coming from all the corners of this circular world.” It was certainly stagnant in that way but due to the fast tick-tack shifts of the clock – years past! I grew old living certainties behind and facing the uncertainties of life has to offer!

Papa, Mama, and I; we we’re then happy! 1, 2, 3. . .5 years – were outrageously happy and complete! 6, 7 and here comes 8; we were happier making the family more complete with a special gift, my sister! In my 15th year, I have known things which I didn’t expected – we weren’t only four; we were actually five in the family! Happy, sadness and pain . . . all mixed up and boom, there was my older brother. All I thought it would be fine having someone in my life I really can call KUYA, KAPATID, MANONG, and KABSAT! I was mischievously wrong with my expectations that the after tomorrow will be better having another addition in the Family. Conversely, I committed a felony to myself for expecting too much of it. It was then that our home became just a house, our family “just” being a unit of the society – no serenity within it. I’ve seen the best days with them but it was also with them that I’ve seen and experience the worst day/(s) I can ever have! I never thought it would end this way but I’m hoping that It is just starting and that in the coming years it will end up like the melodramatic Filipino movies.

I was down! I was left with no one other than myself. I felt alone, lonely, and traumatic. I am a man who loved to assume but I never assumed to have my family in a such, I never assumed that, I, a person who learned to walk in and out of the campus alone; will ever gain friends. Tick-Tack – I had friends who I trusted. Friends whom I never talked and existed in the past years. In deed they have served their purpose. They wipe out my tears, cheered me up when I dull, accompanied me when I was alone! All was perfect and all was in place! My father messed up but one man was replaced with 2 or more. Friendship was ideal for me but that day I had my own – it became a reality for me. I was just a kid but with their ample amount of help I became a man. It was once again perfect however it turned out that I was right with my assumption that it will not last. One, day I went home crying having nothing except myself. It turned out that I built a tower of misery who at the end compelled me to dig my own final destiny. They were gone and worst they are at the other side of my world – we see each other but we no longer exist in each others life. Gone too soon!

I was too innocent, idealistic, and lax! I thought there’s really perfection. Each day I plan what to do and expect to accomplish in day/(s), month/(s), and year/(s) – hoping that it will be perfectly done as planned. Obsessive compulsive, that was how I have been. I perfectly planned how I am going to live my life knowing that there’s someone up there who really is the architect and engineer of my living structure. My perfection proved me right with one thing – perfection is not perfect and that it is perfectly right that perfection does not exist! Knowing all these, I have disappointed myself. Up today, I am living with frustrations, imperfections, and the realities which have been but now they’re merely ideals and history – a part of the past. I have gone through phase I of my obstacle coarse, what else awaits in the following phases.

I have been taught and trained how to become a man but I have been a better man due to my own wisdom and understanding. There are just bad days which I need to go through bad there will still be better days which I will go through. I may have been tricked by the wheel of uncertainty but I will certainly do the same thing – trick the uncertainties of life!

Hunted by my own
shadows in the past
walking along in
eternity and peace

Born alone from my
mothers womb. Grown
alone without playmates
and friends - it will still be a
fine day 20 years after!

tear drops in my eyes
amidst the struggle
of pain, anger and envy

despite the intense
chaotic storms and
thunder followed
by lightning, It
will still be a
shinning day after

Surrender and out fall
never crossed my mind
but it is almost approaching
the innocent bravery I've once had.

Will I? It is yet to be answered. It is
and It will be a life well lived -
A life worth remembered!

It is not an extraordinary masterpiece
but I am just writing to get at ease

I am going through traumatic changes
leading to heart warming challenges

but I know I'll have greater chances
with my principles and ideals as my bases

I acknowledge the that I'll be there
to suffice my dreams and ambitions somewhere

I lived life with lies but now in reality
It is on the purpose of regaining my dignity!

“Goodbyes are not forever. Goodbyes are
not the end. They simply mean I’ll miss
you . . . Until we meet again!”

Baguio will always be my second home. A
place were I gained and loose friends
Where I have learned how to defend and
be defeated. It taught me how to be
strong and weak through sets of Homo
sapiens who lingered around this past
three years with me.

It is saddening that it was also in this
place that I have learned to stumble
upon things and made me realize that it
is hard to stand up with out any helping
hand. It taught me to become more
dependent than I was dependent before.

It is also here were I have experienced
to be ridiculed and be outraged. Where I
have learned and experienced the
consequences of life and how to live by it.

It is here where I have stand and
learned to love and to be loved. It is
here where I have gone through painful
circumstances wherein I was never
trained to deal with it. It gave me
situations which haunts me every time I
am reminded of every delinquent
situation I have been through.
Notwithstanding all these instances I
won’t forget the people I have worked
with in this place and whom I will be
working with in the last year to come.

I’ll all leave these memories behind and
consider finding genuine bliss
somewhere. I’ll go on with a journey
outside this domicile and try other
venues. I will find the other half of my
wisdom, strength, and gist of verdict.
Having all these I believe it will lead
me to the paths going home and where I
do really belong and an Abode where I am
really accepted and loved. I hope it
will still be the place where I have
been living the worst, happiest and most
exciting points of my college life.

At this point all those who have hate
me, Rejoice for I am in a state of
transition. Pray hard and Hope for a
bigger chance to say Happy Good Riddance…

“To my fellows: Keep shinning keep
smiling. . .”

I’m confused but I’m willing realize
I am childish but I am willing to grow

I am selfish but I am willing to be selfless
Growth is what I want Maturity is what I need

Wisdom is my weapon Pride is my shield
but being alone is my WEAKNESS

I have been immune from being
a loner since birth but I have learned to search for
a companion but I never tried to become open that failure
really exist and that it will never diminish… despite all this
i will teach myself and pursue to learn acceptance and how to become

I will consider the fact that perfection has no place in
this bare world… I am strong but i will be STRONGER
I am good but I will learn to become Better.
I am a person but I will now learn how to become

enjoying life and finding more of genuine happiness! 19 years have past and all i want now is to go back from year one wanting to change everything that i have done wrong with my growth as a human being- i know that in some parts of my life i have done something wrong.

I’m now trying to correct my fault that i have done to my personality the freedom that i have once deny the happiness that i have been depriving from myself. I am now accepting the fact that I’m turning 19, old enough to experience life. . .

I have found my self i have found my identity. . .i have been alone because of my frustrations and the time has come for me to forget each and every failure i have done living the shadows of the past will not do me any good but what i need to note is NOW-The PRESENT. I must and I will Live in the Present and consider the future. . .

I’ll open my own cage though it’s late, it’s still good that i have realized that I was trapped. . . Trapped by my own stupidity but through walking on the paths of darkness having a little light
of match stick- I have found my own wisdom which served as the key to my freedom from being a prisoner. . . "this is my now" and I know "I can fly like an Eagle"

Salamat taong 2008 para sa lahat ng kasiyahan, kalungkutan, kapatawaran, pagkakaibigan at pagkakalimutan. Salamat sa pagpapatibay ng damdamin at pagpapakita nang tunay na kahulugan ng bawat salita at taong nakakasalamuha.

Salamat sa bawat luhang pumatak kung saan naihayag ang tunay na kahulugan ng salitang kalungkutan. Salamat at sa bawat patak maraming pumawi at nagbalik ng ngiti upang maitago ang kirot at bugso ng damdamin.

Salamat sa pagkakaibigan at sa bawat di pagkakaunawaan kung saan bawat isa’y natotong magpatawad at makalimot. Salamat sa bawat kapatawaran dahil dito’y nasubok ating pagkakaibigan. Salamat sa bawat paglimot dahil dito’y nalaman ang totoong kaanyu-an ng bawat isa. Sa bawat paglimot maraming bagong dumarating at maraming lumang lumilisan. Sa bawat paglisan ang tanging masasabi ay SALAMAT. Sa bawat bagong tao at pangyayaring dumarating - Salamat at tumuloy at pinatuloy niyo ako sa inyong pintuan.

Salamat ang tanging masasambit sapagkat pawang kagandahan ang aking naalala at aalalahanin sa bawat nakaraan. Nakakalungkot sapagkat ito’y bahagi na ng nakaraan. Maganda balikan ngunit masakit maalala. Salamat!

May lumilisan, kalungkutan, nawawalan at nakakalimutan ngunit bukas merong bagong araw na naghihintay. . .bagong taon na sasalubungin. Mga bagong mukha, bagong ngiti, at bagong lakbayin… Salamat taong 2008 - Magandang bati para sa Taong 2009. . .

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